yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
In America we eat man semen.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
