This girl is more easily done than said...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.