my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
