is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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