My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
