I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
