Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.