So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
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The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
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I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!