The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
