i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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