And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
