you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
