this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
