Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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