Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my sisters under your porch take her home
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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