It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
