He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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