got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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