They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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