you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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