Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
