i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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