you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
