There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
