You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's never too late to be topless.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
