dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
