When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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