watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
