I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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