we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
