I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
