"it" just moved
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
