are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
