i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
