Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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