I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
