somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
