why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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