if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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