My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
