So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
