is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
