The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
