I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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