I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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