please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
