sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
