you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
