Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
worst night to have a conscience
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
