If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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