I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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