But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
