he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
