so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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