Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm just crazy horny about you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
