onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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