I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
