You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
